I grew up believing God was holy, righteous, untouchable, distant, and very angry with his created beings (me in particular) because of sin. He was this distant, angry G-O-D God who was aloof, out to get me, never pleased with anything I did, and could hardly wait to judge me. Anything but a loving, compassionate, kind, and caring father. I never felt He was ever pleased with me, and my relationship with Him was one of distrust and distance (me keeping my distance, not Him).
Jesus the Son was someone I could feel close to because He died for me and rose for me. As long as Jesus was in the room, I was okay. But, if He ever left, there could be trouble.
I knew about the Holy Spirit but wasn’t sure about His part in everything other than He lived in me. I couldn’t feel Him; I just had to trust that He was there. I lived in this idea of an angry Father God, always wondering why it was difficult to trust Him, to obey Him, and to feel close to Him.
Dealing with a health crisis
Until one day, I fell very ill, and my life changed dramatically. I had developed a neurological condition along with other serious health issues. After seeing dozens of specialists and having hundreds of tests, my condition at the time of this writing remains undiagnosed*.
Through this traumatic health crisis, God seemed to ask, “Do you believe I love (agape) you amid the greatest contradictions and your darkest moments, and trust Me?”
Discovering who God is
I struggled with this question for nearly a year. That is until God opened my eyes to His love for me, who He truly was as a God of love, and that He was a Good God (my Father as a father should be) who always sought my best interest, regardless of the deepest hell I may find myself in.
I also learned that He was never distant from me, nor was He ever angry with me. He was always my father and mother God (though we call God “Him” or “He,” He’s neither male nor female and is the Person we need, regardless of the need).
If you still see God as an angry, G-O-D God who is distant and unavailable in your life and more interested in judging and punishing you for your failures and mistakes, then I want to encourage you. That’s not the real God; it never has been and never will be!
Sharing God’s agape love
I founded Abiding in Agape Ministries to share the agape love of the Father, Son, and Spirit because this agape defines them. It’s the same love they’ve shared with each other throughout eternity. And it’s the same way they’ve loved you amid the greatest contradictions and your darkest moments.
May you come to know this true God, this loving Father God. Not the angry God that you and I were falsely taught or thought.
*The following year, I was tested for Small Fiber Neuropathy (SFN), a rare, chronic condition that affects sensory information and automatic functions. Skin biopsies confirmed this diagnosis. Although there’s no cure for the disease in my case, I’m able to navigate it for the most part through medication and focusing on God’s agape love through meditation and contemplation.