God and the Orphan Syndrome

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ. Romans 8:15-17

And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, "Abba, Father!" Therefore, you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ. Galatians 4:6, 7

Our deepest anxiety stems from the fear of losing love—feeling isolated and without comfort in a cold, evil world. We know, deep down, we were not created to be orphans, yet “sonship” eludes most of us.  -Dr. Nick Eno

There’s nothing so isolating as feeling that the Creator of the universe is not only physically absent, but also emotionally unavailable.  You’re told to trust God. Yet, if He feels distant, cold and unwilling to help, why would you? 

  • Many people grew up where one or both parents felt emotionally unavailable and distant.  In that environment, it’s possible to feel that even God has abandoned you. 

  • Others have suffered physical or sexual abuse, leaving them traumatized emotionally, mentally and physically and unable to feel close to God. Or, feel close to others.

  • But it doesn’t have to stay that way.  God is agape (love).  He feels your pain and fear, and desires that you experience an emotional closeness and intimacy with Him that’s safe and secure.    

The Emotional Disconnect

How can someone say, “God loves me,” but then not experience the closeness and connectedness of a loving God? I believed for years that God loved me, that the Bible taught God was love (I John 4:17b), but didn’t experience a closeness and intimacy of a God who loved me. My mind believed one thing, but my emotions believed something else. Thus, my behavior didn’t match my supposed beliefs.    

In spiritual counseling and teaching, I’ve found a common denominator for many of us is a feeling of abandonment and emotional disconnect from God as Father. And, this feeling of abandonment and emotional distance stunts our spiritual maturity and growth.

Building a relationship of trust with God as Father (or Mother if that’s easier for you) is important to feeling close with God.  The more you know God’s true character and nature of agape, the closer you’ll allow yourself to be to Him, and the stronger the relationship. 

Spiritual Orphan Syndrome

In his book, The Orphan Syndrome: Breaking Free and Finding Home, Dr. Nick Eno shares: “The signal trait of the orphan syndrome is this inability to find rest. There is no Sabbath. The individual feels compelled to be “on” all the time. Rest requires laying down our ‘tools,’ trusting the world will not fall apart while we are disengaged. A lack of basic trust is the cardinal characteristic of a crushed or wounded spirit.” (Eno, Nick. The Orphan Syndrome: Breaking Free and Finding Home, Redemption Press, Kindle Edition)

Other traits of an orphan syndrome that Dr. Eno lists include:

  • Deep sadness

  • Loneliness

  • Perfectionism

  • Mood swings

  • Lack of basic trust

  • Chronic guilt

  • Escapism behaviors

  • Workaholism

  • Inability to detach from outcomes

  • Messiah complex

  • Martyr complex

  • Deep sense of unworthiness

Just as some orphans experience these traits in various degrees, I believe that many professing Christians (and non-Christians) experience spiritual orphan syndrome (SOS).  This occurs when you’re consistently taught that:

  • God the Father is angry with you

  • He is never pleased with you

  • He is always condemning and judging you

  • You are a sinner and thus worthless

  • He is out to get you, especially when you fail to live up to a standard or law

  • He isn’t there for you when you don’t have your act together

  • He killed Jesus to deal with His anger about your behavior   

Combine this with feeling emotionally disconnected from your earthly father and/or mother, and the stage is set for experiencing the traits of SOS. 

The result? You may live perpetually in this feeling that God as Father is not there for you, can’t be trusted with the “important stuff” and is unreliable, abandons you if you don’t perform, and is impossible to please. 

You may then try to maintain control, while giving verbal assent to belief in a God that’s love and can be trusted.  Conflicting? Yes!

No wonder people are worn out and exhausted.

Abba, Father

The fact is, every person on this planet is loved, just as they are. They’re desired, wanted and of great value and worth to God. So much so, that the apostle Paul and Jesus called Father God “Abba, Father,” which is a term of endearment, meaning Daddy or Papa. 

Jesus modeled this relationship for us when He said, “"Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." (Mark 14:36). Jesus knew He was loved, cared for and of great value and worth.  The closeness of His relationship with His Father allowed Him to not only say “Daddy, Father,” but to also say “not what I will, but what You will.” 

The greatest piece missing for most of us with God as Father is a trust that leads to soul rest and soul peace.  Jesus’ words show that you can live in soul rest and soul peace in a relationship of trust with our heavenly Father. The cry of the Holy Spirit is “Abba, Father (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6). And because your spirit is one with the Spirit of God, the cry of your spirit is also “Abba (Daddy, Papa) Father.”

Created to Experience Love, Acceptance and Worth

You were created to experience the love of our God as Father.  Your purpose is to simply enjoy being loved.  God is perfect love, agape (I John 4:7).   That love is not for sale, it can’t be earned and it’s unconditional. 

To experience His love is to know you’re accepted without conditions.  Acceptance, just as you are, tears down the walls of fear and feeling of rejection because of your past failings or mistakes. 

To know you’re accepted, apart from your performance, is to experience the REALITY of your worth to God. And to FEEL worthy in Him.  Not believing a lie of worthlessness, but living in and experiencing the TRUTH of your value as a son or daughter of God.

 How Do You Start?

  • Acknowledge the spiritual orphan syndrome traits that have been true for you.  Print out this article and check off the traits you relate to.

  • Admit to God the traits that have been true of you.  Surrender them to Him and leave them with Him.  It’s not your job to change them.

  • Ask God to make you aware of your true identity in Christ (who you are in Him). Our website’s home page has some great identity messages to help you with this. We also have a PDF of even more identity messages we’d love to email you just for asking (use our Contact Us page). Your true identity IS in Christ and, thus, in the Father.  You ARE a child of the King. 

  • Let the Holy Spirit grow your awareness of how loved, accepted and valued you are by God.  Ask the Holy Spirit to do so!

  • Tell God you’re available to be loved by Him every minute, and to make you aware as He’s doing it.  Ask Him to let you experience Him and His love, not just have knowledge about it. 

  • Enjoy and rest in His love for you, acceptance of you and the priceless treasure you are to Him. 

And lastly, be patient with and kind to yourself.  I can tell you from personal experience, that this relationship of trust and love with a good Papa God is the journey of a lifetime. But it may take time for you to feel the reality of this relationship. Don’t get discouraged. You will! Start by taking the first step today.