And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life? -Matthew 6:27
But Martha was distracted with all the preparations she had to make, so she came up to Him and said, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work alone? Tell her to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things, but one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the best part; it will not be taken away from her. -Luke 10:40-42
There is nothing you can control about love. -Jennifer Aniston
I recently had a contractor install a TV on the wall in my den. After ordering the TV and wall mount and hiring the contractor for the installation, the day finally came. The contractor arrived with the TV and his helper and began the installation. While he was doing that, I started writing this article. But there was a problem; I kept worrying about the details of the installation. “Will they mess up the wood floor with their equipment or drop the TV?” “Are they mounting the TV high enough?” “Is the mount big enough?” “Will it be strong enough for my TV?” The control freak Scott went into the den and offered his assistance.
Finally, the contractor walked me through everything they’d do and how they’d do it and asked me to trust him. “Trust him?” I returned to my office to work on this article about worrying and being a control freak. It finally dawned on me that I was doing the very thing I wanted to help you with!
Have you ever been a worrier-control freak like me? Keep reading because there's a way out, even when we're caught in the cycle.
Worry versus anxiety
There’s a difference between worry and anxiety.
Worry is a state of mind, while anxiety is a state of being that impacts the body physiologically.
Worry is a focus that dominates the mind’s attention, while anxiety can change the way the mind and body work together. It can increase undue stress, negatively impacting the autonomic nervous system (which regulates breathing, circulation, digestion, and our ‘fight or flight’ responses).
Worry is an unhealthy focus on that which can’t be controlled, while anxiety is the obsession mentally and physically that causes us to live by the fight or flight subconscious subroutines in many ways we are unaware of.
For instance, I may worry about wild animals while camping because I can’t enjoy myself. My mind’s too focused on danger that may never happen. Anxiety can so grip me to the point that I don’t even go camping. Or if I do, I stay in my tent with my shotgun, waiting for a wild animal to attack me, not sleeping, and suffering physically.
Caught in the cycle
The cycle begins with a fear of something that may or may not happen. Fear is at the root of worry (and many other things).
If my school project isn’t turned in on time, I’ll be penalized. The fear is the loss of a good grade and how it impacts my overall grade, which affects how recruiters see me and whether they’ll hire me. That impacts my ability to get a job, pay my bills, and live independently or with my parents. Therefore, I spend all my time worrying about the project versus planning and preparing for it while enjoying my life in the moment.
When my mind is busy worrying, eventually, I’ll default into “control freak mode.” When that happens, I may cancel plans with other people to go to bed early and make class on time the next day. I may even set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. instead of 6:15 a.m. “just in case.” Or I may arrive at class one hour early while the earlier class is still in session or even go in and sit in the back, disturbing others. If that class goes long, I might raise my hand and ask when the class will end. While waiting, I may text my classmates and ask them to review my project paper, even though they’re likely busy finishing their projects and getting to class themselves.
Once in control freak mode, it becomes very difficult to be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions in the moment. The subprograms of our brain are running, and we usually stay on the merry-go-round until we get our desired result.
The Need to Control
Control gives us a sense of safety and security that does not exist. James 4:13-15 puts it this way, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into this or that town and spend a year there and do business and make a profit.’ You do not know about tomorrow. What is your life like? For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes. You ought to say instead, ‘If the Lord is willing, then we will live and do this or that.’”
His point: We don’t even know what the next second will bring, only God does, so trust Him with the future. Our lives are similar to a puff of smoke here and gone; why not trust a good and loving God who cares for and loves you? A false sense of safety and security, trusting your abilities to control situations or people, is no substitute for trust and rest in God, who loves you with agape love. This love leads you to soul rest, even when things don’t work out.
The Root of the Issue
Fear regarding an outcome we need leads to worry. Worry leads to reactive seeking of control, which leads to control freak mode. This leads to poor decisions, harming of relationships, and ultimately even greater isolation.
I believe fear is driven, in part, by the belief we’re not safe and secure in the love of God. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life – fear of death, fear of judgment – is one not yet fully formed in love.”
When you know you’re loved with agape by God, whose single desire is to love you and bring you into soul rest, it reduces fear and the desire for control.
If I’m a passenger in an airplane and don’t believe the pilot desires to fly me safely to my destination, then I’ll likely begin to worry. That worry could turn into a desire to control the situation, even though I’m not qualified to fly a plane! The best thing is to trust that the pilot has my best interest and will safely get me to my destination. Then, I can rest in my seat and enjoy the ride.
Living in Reality
Our fears are generally based on past traumas, hurts, or disappointments we don’t want to experience again. This is understandable. However, God’s desire in Christ is for you to enjoy your life, the abundant life Jesus talked about. “I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly” (John 10:10b).
How can I escape this worry-control freak cycle and enjoy abundant life in Christ?
Ask God to make you aware of your thoughts and feelings when you worry. The goal is awareness, not judging yourself for your thoughts.
Ask God to take you to the root of the worry. So, if I’m worried about the TV being installed correctly, is that a legitimate worry or a fear? (There are legitimate things we’re concerned about, but these things typically don’t dominate our thinking). I could ask God to reveal the root of my worry as I ask myself “What then?” questions. For example:
-If the TV isn’t installed correctly, what then?
-Then I’ll have to accept the blame and explain why it wasn’t done right to my wife. What then?
-She may believe I can’t handle things and think less of me. What then?
-Then I’ll feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m a failure (now we’re getting to the root of the worry; I feel like a failure many times because that’s how my mom and dad made me feel many times).
Once you’ve identified the root of the worry, confess the truth of who you are in Christ. For example, the awareness of my belief that I’m a failure could lead me to confess: “I AM complete in Christ, I AM sufficient for all things in Christ, and I AM loved unconditionally regardless of the outcome of this TV installation or my wife’s feelings.” I AM statements help to rewire our thinking and beliefs about our true self in Christ – because they are the truth!
The truth about who you are
The bottom line: Living in reality is living in the truth of each moment – the truth about who I AM in Christ, not current circumstances or old false identities.
The same is true for you. Live in your reality of who you are in Christ: complete, sufficient, loved unconditionally, and so much more! Your identity in Him trumps everything, and His agape for you is always unconditional. You can trust that. Rest in that. As you do, you’ll slowly see a transformation in your worrier-control-freak self.